Let's talk about burnout (+ come see me this Sunday 4/28!)
In this issue, I write about the only topic that's been on my mind lately: burnout. Plus, details about the garden party I'm co-hosting with friends this Sunday 4/28. Come see us!
Hey dumpling fam–it’s been a minute 🤗
When I switched over to Substack last December, I had grand plans. I imagined myself building a new food media dynasty, gleefully publishing recipes every week alongside feel-good personal essays and gorgeous photography. I planned to expand my brand with a new website, a YouTube channel, and a cookbook. I was ready to launch a new chapter!
Except, as you probably noticed… I haven’t done any of those things. After the first few newsletters, my creative energy just sort of dwindled away. I stopped writing, stopped posting on Instagram, and I filled my days with other things: taking Spanish classes at City College, practicing piano and violin, and volunteering at my kids’ school. And if I’m being completely honest? Some days I spent simply lying on the couch, watching home renovation shows.
When I finally started writing again, a few sentences each day, I found myself mostly writing about burnout–how I recognized it, why I ignored it, the shame and guilt of it, the damage it’s done to my body and psyche, and the long but promising recovery. I started talking to people about it, too, and it’s been amazing to discover just how many of us are having a similar experience. That’s my favorite thing about Dumpling Club: I love the way food brings us together, gives us space to share these really meaningful and oftentimes vulnerable parts of our lives, and in doing so, makes us feel a little less alone.
So! This issue is dedicated to the topic of burnout. If you have thoughts to share, write me anytime at cathay@dumpling.club or send me a DM on Instagram. I always love to hear from you.
Also, I’ll be popping up this Sunday 4/28 at Bayview Makers Kitchen from 12-4pm! More details on the event below. Hope to see you there!
Xo Cathay
How I dug myself into a giant hole
Despite outward appearances, I was in bad shape the last year that Dumpling Club was open. I was losing quite a bit of hair, experiencing IBS symptoms every morning, and breaking out in hives every night. It was pretty clear to me that my body wasn’t coping–it’s hard not to notice hives, they are so damn itchy!–but I stubbornly and willfully ignored the signs for as long as I could.
Here’s how I dug myself into a giant hole:
I manufactured justifications for a lot of my choices, after the fact. If I was too busy to eat breakfast, I’d tell myself I was fasting (“the internet says fasting is good for me!”). If I didn’t exercise, I’d remind myself that I work a very active job (“I don’t need to workout, I’m already on my feet all day!”).
I normalized my stress. All busy moms and entrepreneurs live like this! This isn’t burnout… this is just “demonstrating grit”!
I did A LOT of faulty math. If I got 5 hours of sleep on Tuesday and napped 2 hours on a Saturday, I’d count it as a one full night of sleep. (Spoiler alert: sleep experts will tell you, it does not work like that). If I skipped a meal, I’d eat twice as much at the next one. (Another spoiler alert: your stomach will hurt a lot if you do this.)
Being driven and tenacious has usually served me well, and if you ask my friends, they would name these as two of my best qualities. But looking back, I wonder where I should have drawn the line. Was I demonstrating grit or was I simply overworked and refusing to acknowledge it? When did my mental pep talks stop being healthy and start pushing me out past my limits?
There’s no worse feeling than feeling stuck.
By the time I finally admitted to myself I was burned out, I couldn’t see a way out of it. I couldn’t just take a break from the restaurant. My employees depended on me for jobs and customers depended on me for dumplings (a.k.a. joy) and anyway if I didn’t produce enough or sell enough, we wouldn’t make rent. And I obviously couldn’t quit being a mom. There was soccer and gymnastics and violin and field trips and snack duty and I couldn’t miss any of that, or it wouldn’t be fair to my kids.
When I talk to other people experiencing burnout, this is inevitably what it comes down to: this feeling that there’s no other choice except to keep going. I hear people say: “I’m in the weeds right now, but if I can just get past these next few months, things will be better”; or, “If I can keep working through the pain, I think I’ll come out on the other side”. I said these same things, too. But things didn’t got better and I didn’t come out the other side–until I shut down my whole business.
So…
What to do about it?
I think a lot about what I could have done differently in order to have a different outcome for me/Dumpling Club (it’s hard to completely decouple the topic of burnout from the broader lessons I learned while running my business). These are a few things I’ve been chewing on:
Don’t let big decisions hold up small decisions. I often felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride that I couldn’t get off, and it made me feel powerless. But looking back, there were small things I definitely had within my control: I could have turned my phone off after 10pm instead of staying up late to post on Instagram; I could have said no to a lot of private event requests; and I definitely could have eaten a regular breakfast every day! I think when you’re feeling powerless, you tend to feel powerless over EVERYTHING. But it’s probably not true. Look out for the simple, small decisions in your life–often, they can still make a very meaningful difference.
Practice good daily habits. I used to operate with a sprinter’s mentality: push super hard, recover, then push again. This wasn’t working for a lot of reasons, foremost because I just never gave myself enough recovery time before I ran into the next “push” phase. (This goes back to the faulty math. One day off does not make up for weeks of stress, especially if you repeat that cycle for months on end.) As I mentioned in my New Year newsletter, I am now focused on regularity–regular sleep, regular meals, and regular exercise. There’s no real shortcut for good, daily habits.
Keep the things you love, outsource the things you don’t.** One of my chief realizations with Dumpling Club is that I delegated too many of the things that brought me joy and filled my plate with things that didn’t. For example, I’d let someone else take the lead on recipe testing so that I could catch up on accounting. Or I’d assign myself to expo (managing the kitchen) instead of running the register and talking to customers, which is what I really enjoyed. I would think, “Well I’ll never be able to hire for these admin tasks” or “This is just what business owners have to do.” But ultimately, that approach drained me emotionally and destroyed my creative energy. Entrepreneurs, take note: your joy is what drives your business! Guard it fiercely.
**Side note: For parents, this tip applies at home too. I used to take on a lot of household chores, thinking it was up to me execute them. Then I’d watch my husband take the kids out to the park and feel resentful about it. Now every weekend, I take the kids out on an adventure and I leave my husband at home with the chores. He gets some time to decompress and jump on Peloton and I come home to clean sheets and folded laundry. Trust me, everybody is happier!!!
And on that note…
In the spirit of doing things that bring me joy, I am popping up with friends this Sunday 4/28! I’m prepping our much beloved HK shrimp and pork wontons in chili sauce (the #1 seller at Dumpling Club, I know many of you miss it!!). There’ll also be Taiwanese three-cup chicken and three-cup tofu from Henry, shrimp roe noodles and other goodies from Nancy, cake slices and parfaits by Jessica, dan tat and tofu pudding by Eric, and cold brew teas from Annie. Plus music by local artist Mr. Hong and games by The Mahjong Project!
I’ll be at the register, so don’t be shy and say hi 👋🏼
Garden Party at Bayview Makers Kitchen
Kicking off AANHPI Month with an afternoon of food, music, and mahjong
Sunday April 28, 12-4pm
4106 3rd Street in San Francisco
BMK has two locations, so make sure you’re going to 4106 3rd street! There is no entry fee, so just swing by and enjoy the space. Similar to our last event at Wave Collective, we're not doing any to-go orders and prioritizing folks who want to come and hang 💛 If you’re a planner, though, you can reserve a spot at the mahjong tables–$20 per table, or $5 per person if you bring 3 friends 🥰
See you all there!